ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
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Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts