@solsayswhaaa

Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*

My gynecologist: can you not?

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@iGreenBabe

Twitter makes me want to have drinks with people I’ve never met, and Facebook makes me want to throw drinks at people I already know.

@RobDenBleyker

If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.

@NatBaimel

17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq

@david8hughes

You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.

@Neuronicism

If she doesn’t have a new hair style by the time you’re done, you’re doing it wrong.

@Izianikapani

“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.

@robsan40

When Moses came down with the Commandments, It was the greatest Retweet in History.

@brynnester

Man: But both my eyes are bad

Inventor Of The Monocle: And?