Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
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Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long