@trgrrl

me: hurt me

her: only 1% of all ancient literature survived

me: n-no…

her: for instance, the gallic sack of rome completely wiped out the true story of the founding of rome, forcing historians to rely on roman propaganda and legends

me: stop

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@Papa_Mex

I hate it when the neighbor’s dog gets out because I accidentally pick the lock on their gate, leave it open, and put down a trail of food

@thenatewolf

Hot lady mouse looking for good time. Any mouse will do boy mouse or girl mouse. Groups preferred. Meet in woods AT NIGHT. Will be a hoot.

@CruisinSoozan

If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.

@Ryan_Patricks

Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.

@zachreinert03

When my roommate won’t wash the dishes I always leave a note’hey please do the dishes, because I will wash one knife & use it in your sleep’

@kentgrossarth

Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.

@frankzulla

How bad is it, doc?

“Well, you’ll never run again”

So basically the same

@jellybnbonanza

I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.

@aveuaskew

Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.

@HousewifeOfHell

TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u