Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
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Ah to hear the music of the angles!
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.