[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
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Don’t say anything too loud sir I suspect one of our men may be a plant
*conspicuous tree in admiral uniform starts to sweat*
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.
I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
A boot camp for people who are uncomfortable accepting compliments where a drill sergeant aggressively yells nice things at you
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.