@prufrockluvsong

me: I always follow my moral compass

friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass

You Might Also Like

@theshantilly

[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]

Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?

Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?

@prodigis

*to commander*
Don’t say anything too loud sir I suspect one of our men may be a plant
*conspicuous tree in admiral uniform starts to sweat*

@JayMindX

I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.

@patnspankme

If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.

@GoldenSpirals

The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.

I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.

@Jennuflect

Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.

@GrowlyGrego

YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.

@InternetHippo

A boot camp for people who are uncomfortable accepting compliments where a drill sergeant aggressively yells nice things at you

@stephenjmolloy

Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!

@B_Schmidt

I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.