me: I always follow my moral compass

friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass

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[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]

Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?

Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?


*to commander*
Don’t say anything too loud sir I suspect one of our men may be a plant
*conspicuous tree in admiral uniform starts to sweat*


I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.


If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.


The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.

I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.


Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.


*grabs face*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.


A boot camp for people who are uncomfortable accepting compliments where a drill sergeant aggressively yells nice things at you


Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!


I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.