me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
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Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.