@daemonic3

me: i always get so hungry when i’m high, want some taco bell?

driving test instructor: no

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@TheHatStore

BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber

ME: i’m not sure how to take that

BANK TELLER: exactly

@HeSlimedMeRay

My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.

We take our lazy seriously around here.

@salamingia

Boss: you spend a lot of time on your phone!

Me: you spend too much time watching me. Don’t you have work to do?

@MikeOdenthal

Think about how many variations of apple there would be had they not mercy-killed the pineapple guy before he could name more fruits

@J0hnnyBlaze

If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs

@Douchekevin

The problem was that everyone was poking my ex on Facebook.

And in my bed
And on my couch
And in my car
And when I was at work

@dubiousgenius

ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.

@tastefactory

I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.