BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
me: i always get so hungry when i’m high, want some taco bell?
driving test instructor: no
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My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Boss: you spend a lot of time on your phone!
Me: you spend too much time watching me. Don’t you have work to do?
Think about how many variations of apple there would be had they not mercy-killed the pineapple guy before he could name more fruits
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
The problem was that everyone was poking my ex on Facebook.
And in my bed
And on my couch
And in my car
And when I was at work
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.