me: i always get so hungry when i’m high, want some taco bell?

driving test instructor: no

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BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber

ME: i’m not sure how to take that

BANK TELLER: exactly


My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.

We take our lazy seriously around here.


Boss: you spend a lot of time on your phone!

Me: you spend too much time watching me. Don’t you have work to do?


Think about how many variations of apple there would be had they not mercy-killed the pineapple guy before he could name more fruits


If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs


The problem was that everyone was poking my ex on Facebook.

And in my bed
And on my couch
And in my car
And when I was at work


ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.


I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.