*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
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Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy