ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
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I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.