Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
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Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
$3 #books
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace