The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
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Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Genius idea!!
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.