@cmfh111

me: I am going to get so much done…
same me: *loads two forks into the dishwasher* …tomorrow.

You Might Also Like

@jackiembouvier

Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!

@murrman5

[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”

@Cheese_Pile

[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?

@online_rat

one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday

@ValeeGrrl

If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.

@JohnLyonTweets

No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.

@TheOnlyMommaG

My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war

@MrGirlDad

After only four hours of deliberation, our toddler has returned a verdict of “not sleepy”.