me: I am going to get so much done…
same me: *loads two forks into the dishwasher* …tomorrow.

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Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!


[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”


[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?


one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday


If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.


No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.


My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war


After only four hours of deliberation, our toddler has returned a verdict of “not sleepy”.