me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
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*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.