me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
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*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby