It’s funny how you become mom’s new favorite when your sibling is in jail.
Me: I am not wearing pants today.
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[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
My husband asked me if I thought deep down that all of this time together was bringing us closer as a family. And then we laughed and laughed.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.