@arwenlothbrok

Me: I am not wearing pants today.

Doorbell: *rings*

Me: 😡

You Might Also Like

@MableGertrude

It’s funny how you become mom’s new favorite when your sibling is in jail.

@squirrel74wkgn

[on first date]

Let me get that for you.

*holds door open*

“May I help you, sir?”

Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…

@pilau

mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul

wife: oh my god she’s possessed

me: you sure? I mean you know her better but

@Divergentmama

My husband asked me if I thought deep down that all of this time together was bringing us closer as a family. And then we laughed and laughed.

@TheAndrewNadeau

A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”

@NewDadNotes

Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.

@ArfMeasures

[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler

@carlyken

*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says

@Marlebean

With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.

@Tylerosis

“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.