@dafloydsta

ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?

*slides over pic of him with another dog*

JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.

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@dyldonot

[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY

@knot_eye

[ouija board]

How are you feeling?

*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-Y

What the!? A cheesy board!?

G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S

@SergioValenCo

Damn girl, are you my Bachelor’s degree because you wasted my time and now I hate you.

@markleggett

Unemployment gives you time to follow your true passion: Worrying about money.

@ThisOneSayz

Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*

@poutinesmoothie

*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*

@Home_Halfway

*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP

@TheTweetOfGod

CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.

@C00LpenNAME

1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…

2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?

@ArfMeasures

[End of day 1, building Rome]

Builder: We’ve finished, boss

Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks