At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
You Might Also Like
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
Wouldst the genuine Slim Shady kindly arise?
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE