Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
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#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?