Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this

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cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you

me: yeah he was not nice


If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.


Husband: Why is there a Hot Pocket plugged into the charger?
Me: [looking down at the phone I’m eating]


The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am


if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.


me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive

interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?

me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else


“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats


Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.


Doctor: We need to double your meds
Me: Will I still be able to knit little capes for my hamster?
Doctor: We need to triple your meds