Me: *I begin monk-chanting & performing a number of masterful karate moves*

Banker: No sir I need your written signature

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You walk into my bedroom…

I’m laying naked with a platter of nachos on my chest.

You get punched while trying to take some of my nachos.


[before invention of Twitter]

Void: I just feel empty sometimes

Abyss: *sighs* IKR

[after invention of Twitter]

Void: (:

Abyss: (:


[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]

I guess it’s time to shave for summer.


Police: “You were going fast.” Me: “I was trying to keep up with traffic.” Police: “There isn’t any.” Me: “That’s how far behind I am!”


If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.


ME: I heard glasses make you look smart.
FRIEND: That’s true.
ME: (wearing 20 pairs of glasses) Who said that?