[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
You Might Also Like
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Time heals everything 🙂
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.