My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Me: *I begin monk-chanting & performing a number of masterful karate moves*
Banker: No sir I need your written signature
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You walk into my bedroom…
I’m laying naked with a platter of nachos on my chest.
You get punched while trying to take some of my nachos.
[before invention of Twitter]
Void: I just feel empty sometimes
Abyss: *sighs* IKR
[after invention of Twitter]
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Police: “You were going fast.” Me: “I was trying to keep up with traffic.” Police: “There isn’t any.” Me: “That’s how far behind I am!”
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
ME: I heard glasses make you look smart.
FRIEND: That’s true.
[LATER ON A DATE]
ME: (wearing 20 pairs of glasses) Who said that?