Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
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When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
OH. COME. ON.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
A man of commitment.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
Good morning, Twitter x
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.