Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.

My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?


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DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor


Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more


*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*

*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*


Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.


FB lets you write your sex in now, so I have officially become a hat.


once someone was like “millennials don’t answer a door if they aren’t expecting anyone???” and i get why the 70s had so many serial killers


Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit


I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…