@CatsVsHumanity

Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.

My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?

Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!

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@PostCultRev

DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor

@Impetermoran

Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more

@AimeeHelene1

*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*

*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*

@Dawn_M_

Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.

@Burtslorp

FB lets you write your sex in now, so I have officially become a hat.

@Abid_ism

once someone was like “millennials don’t answer a door if they aren’t expecting anyone???” and i get why the 70s had so many serial killers

@tastefactory

Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit

@RuinMyWeek

I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…