Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
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The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.