@iwearaonesie

me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!

wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!

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@novixv

If you read Twitter backwards it tells the story of humanity slowly getting smarter.

@realHamOnWry

Cat: Why are you looking at me?

Me: You’re acting strange.

Cat: Strange?

Me: Are you on drugs?

Cat: Drugs…you’re the one who thinks I’m talking.

@withanewname

“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”

“Kids, I found a campsite!”

@momjeansplease

*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.

@shutupmikeginn

friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive

@Carbosly

Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.

@swisherr_tweet

How to be a white girl:

1.) Get a frappuccino from Starbucks
2.) take a picture drinking it
3.) Instagram it
4.) hash tag ‘summerrrrrrrrr’

@SamuelHLowe

Love is telling someone to go to hell and worrying about them getting there safely.