@iwearaonesie

me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!

wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!

You Might Also Like

@AndyAsAdjective

I want to congratulate you on learning the definition of abundance.

“Thank you. It means a lot.”

@iamburtjarvis

[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]

“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”

bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT

@DurtMcHurtt

My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.

@LMLMadness

Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.

@lloydrang

People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin

@Book_Krazy

[interview]

Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked

“Why are you naked?”

dammit

@ibid78

[sees girl reading The Bible]
“Ah I love that book. The way they just *clenches fist* buy all those frickin bulls.”

@impaulmccoy

[at a boat store]

Salesperson: Can i help you?

Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.

@themorris23

I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me