Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
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“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
You learn something every day
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.