@Megatronic13

Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad

*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*

Me: h-how are you smoking??

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@NurseSeymour

Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.

@squirrel74wkgn

I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.

@Goddamnit_Jason

BUMPER STICKER IDEA: I had sex with my wife and all I got was this honor student.

@MatCro

[Job interview]

“How would you describe yourself?”

“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”

“Anything else?”

“Over-literal sometimes.”

@daplusk

Whoever invented the forklift over estimated the weight of forks

@AlmightyBored

Her: We had our friend for dinner.

Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.

Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.

@D2BMcG

“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”

“Sir, this is a cheese counter”

@DairylandDon

Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.