@Megatronic13

Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad

*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*

Me: h-how are you smoking??

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@TheGrimKing

Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.

@TheRolo

[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]

“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”

Here

“Aren’t you going to guess?”

@NYC_Blonde

A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die

@junejuly12

Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.

@nachosarah

why do people live in regular houses when there are steakhouses

@bornmiserable

Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich

@pittdave13

*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”

@sonictyrant

Her: 5 golden rings, 4 calling birds, 3 french hens, 2 turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree

Me: yes, that’s right

Her: ok, do u want any ranch or honey mustard?

@Shade510

Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.