Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
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I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
BUMPER STICKER IDEA: I had sex with my wife and all I got was this honor student.
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
Whoever invented the forklift over estimated the weight of forks
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Not to brag but I can produce cute children. DNA and all.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?