Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad

*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*

Me: h-how are you smoking??

You Might Also Like


Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.


[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]

“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”


“Aren’t you going to guess?”


A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die


Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.


why do people live in regular houses when there are steakhouses


Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich


*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”


Her: 5 golden rings, 4 calling birds, 3 french hens, 2 turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree

Me: yes, that’s right

Her: ok, do u want any ranch or honey mustard?


Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.