me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
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People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.