me: I broke my leg, can anyone help

guy: I know what to do

me: oh thank goodness

guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses

me: k wait

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I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.


When our kids were teenagers we moved;
hoping it would help with family strife.

It didn’t work, unfortunately.

They found us.


When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”


Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd

Me: um technically the plural is *fish*


Much like #Skynet, the dirty dishes in my sink have achieved self awareness.


For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.


Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help

Me: I went to the park today

Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that

Me *opens coat* this duck


Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us


– I’m here to register for the pessimists’ club.
– Is the glass half empty or half full?
– What glass?
– Gentlemen, we have a new leader!


Mob Boss: I need you to smoke this guy.

Me: Ok, that takes 8-12 hours for a turkey though.

Mb: I don’t care just get it done.