I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
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When our kids were teenagers we moved;
hoping it would help with family strife.
It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
Much like #Skynet, the dirty dishes in my sink have achieved self awareness.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
– I’m here to register for the pessimists’ club.
– Is the glass half empty or half full?
– What glass?
– Gentlemen, we have a new leader!
Mob Boss: I need you to smoke this guy.
Me: Ok, that takes 8-12 hours for a turkey though.
Mb: I don’t care just get it done.