me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
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Best spot.. 😅
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Never let them know your next move 😂
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.