Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
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Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Well, that should do it
sleeping beauty
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*