Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.

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I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.


Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”

Friends: “No thanks.”

Enemies: “Also no thanks.”


[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT


me: someone stole my glasses

cop: what did they look like

me: how would i know


Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.


Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.


I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.


[invention of fish net stockings]

fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!

fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?

fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn


If I was an alcoholic, I’d stash all my booze in the laundry basket because apparently I’m the only person in my house who knows it exists.


*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*