She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
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Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
*seductively winces due to lower back pain