me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
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my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.