@Gupton68

me: I call shotgun

shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep

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@ericsshadow

[is being given CPR by my ex girlfriend] “do you know how many heart attacks I had to fake before they sent you.”

@BaileysIrishTom

Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?

@Jake_Vig

HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.

ME:

HER: Please stop imagining all those things.

ME: Ok.

@MrSandeepP

This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.

@Social_Mime

Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.

@jonnysun

[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”

@HatfieldAnne

For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.

@TheCatWhisprer

One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.

@1followernodad

If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”