Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
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Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
then why did i get this email
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever