Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
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My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.