HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
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I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.