ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
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If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Cartman: Respect my
a a
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun