ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
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It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache