Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!

Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised

Me: *continues eating

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Relationships are just two people scrolling through Netflix saying “I don’t care, just pick something” until they both turn into skeletons.


If you’ve already died hard, how can you die harder, with a vengeance, live free and die hard again and then find a good day to die hard?


I’m wearing the boxers with the little hearts all over them tonight…. It’s probably not a good night to go to jail….


My daughter is refusing to eat anything but nachos. And I’m a good mom and will give her what she wants:

Nacho phone
Nacho allowance
Nacho ride to your friend’s house


My neighbors listen to awesome music whether they like it or not.


Truth or dare?
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
-Put on this ALF costume.


Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.


A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type

And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended


ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!

MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.