@Steven37366100

Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!

Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised

Me: *continues eating

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@robfee

Relationships are just two people scrolling through Netflix saying “I don’t care, just pick something” until they both turn into skeletons.

@SinCityChiGirl

If you’ve already died hard, how can you die harder, with a vengeance, live free and die hard again and then find a good day to die hard?

@JesTurtle

I’m wearing the boxers with the little hearts all over them tonight…. It’s probably not a good night to go to jail….

@Divergentmama

My daughter is refusing to eat anything but nachos. And I’m a good mom and will give her what she wants:

Nacho phone
Nacho allowance
Nacho ride to your friend’s house

@mochanya

My neighbors listen to awesome music whether they like it or not.

@AndyAsAdjective

Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.

@OverlandParker

Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.

@Smooheed

A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type

And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended

@panmidwest

ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!

MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.