Relationships are just two people scrolling through Netflix saying “I don’t care, just pick something” until they both turn into skeletons.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
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If you’ve already died hard, how can you die harder, with a vengeance, live free and die hard again and then find a good day to die hard?
I’m wearing the boxers with the little hearts all over them tonight…. It’s probably not a good night to go to jail….
My daughter is refusing to eat anything but nachos. And I’m a good mom and will give her what she wants:
Nacho ride to your friend’s house
My neighbors listen to awesome music whether they like it or not.
Truth or dare?
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
-Put on this ALF costume.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.