@squirrel74wkgn

Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on

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@ibid78

Well well well if it isn’t the kangaroo whose pouch I’m in.

@stanleybehrman

I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.

@Fickle_Filly

Ain’t no mountain high enough

Ain’t no valley low enough

Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough

To keep me from yooou

@iamspacegirl

SANTA: Mhm, and I see here that you have the power of flight, which wo-

SUPERMAN W/ ANTLERS TIED TO HIS HEAD: Look, I really need this job.

@Tmoney68

BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.

He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.

@ericsshadow

THINGS CHICKS DIG:

1. Popcorn
2. Puppy dogs
3. I can’t think of anything else, I’m very bad with women.

@nyquills

[Batman picking a catchphrase]

Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander

Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity

Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime

Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”

Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing