Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
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I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
Knock Knock
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car