Well well well if it isn’t the kangaroo whose pouch I’m in.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
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I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
SANTA: Mhm, and I see here that you have the power of flight, which wo-
SUPERMAN W/ ANTLERS TIED TO HIS HEAD: Look, I really need this job.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Never judge a book by its cover unless it looks stupid.
THINGS CHICKS DIG:
2. Puppy dogs
3. I can’t think of anything else, I’m very bad with women.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing