Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
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doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.