ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
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“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
I’m going to need a moment here.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
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.
.
.
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
Stop.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.