My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.
Now I scrub the floors.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
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I was looking at my four year old son, and the love and happiness I felt in that moment was so overwhelming I felt my eyes tearing up. He caught me looking, smiled, put one little hand on my cheek, and said, “Mommy I can see your moustache.”
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Too many TV ads about how you can remove blood stains off clothes with detergents & none about how you can hide the body? Where’s the logic?
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”