I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
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Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
me working on my assignments ^-^
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
seems like a niche market
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.