Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.

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You can tuck a carrot into bed , but it won’t know what you are doing because he’s a carrot


My pot never calls the kettle ‘black’ because I don’t buy talking marijuana


[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare


Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes


I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket


*Frankenstein arrives with his monster at a bodybuilding contest*
“Oh, you meant… you meant it like… ugh. Well that was a waste of time”


Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel


the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on


We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.


[on my deathbed in 50 years] ugh when that hostess said “enjoy your meal” why did I reply “you too”