Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
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I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
that colleague who touches your screen
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”