Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
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The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
All is fair in drunk and war.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
So sick of all these stupid rules
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
What a kind woman! 😂😂
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.