Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
You Might Also Like
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
He a real one for that
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
women dont read this…
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
incredible book dedication
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is