ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
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Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.