Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
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*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket