@Social_Mime

Me – I can’t find the sea salt.

Wife – It’s next to the paprika.

Me – No it isn’t.

(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)

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@crunchenhancer

She’s got a great personality!

It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….

@Rollinintheseat

The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.

@VerbsRProudest

mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.

@_Water_Baby

You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.

@animadvertguy

Knuckle tats:

(B) (O) (R) (N)
(W) (I) (T) (H)
(T) (O) (O) (O)
(M) (A) (N) (Y)
(H) (A) (N) (D)

@noog

Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.