COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
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Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious