Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
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BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.