Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?

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[Wizard of Oz characters Now]

Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa


If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.


My 11yo just screamed across the skatepark “MOM! DID YOU EVER GET OUR HEALTH INSURANCE REINSTATED? I WANNA DO A TRICK!”


Numbers don’t mean anything to me. I’m here for the deep abiding friendships with people who haven’t blocked me yet


CUSTOMER: id like buy a turtle, please
ME: ok
CUSTOMER: and make it quick
ME: *grabbing him by the collar* DO I LOOK LIKE GOD TO YOU


(i go up to lady pushing baby in stroller and put my foot up on the stroller to address the baby) hey baby… is this woman bothering you


*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”

“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”


My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.


Got kicked out of Star Fleet for using the transporter to catch up to the ice cream man after I’ve missed him going down my street.


Prayed over the 8-piece Chick-Fil-A nugget I bought, then opened the box and found 12 nuggets. This is my testimony.