Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
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If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Come back with a warrant
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.