@Tmoney68

Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.

Whiskey: Yes you can.

You Might Also Like

@DaddyJew

Interviewer: may we contact your previous employers?

[cut to the giant grave in the desert where I buried them all]

Me: lol you could try

@michael_J_m00n

Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.

@MolotovJohnny

Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?

Maybe I just want 47% milk…

@KalvinMacleod

ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*

@Social_Mime

Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.

@PaperWash

Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks

@MrRamBillings

To be honest, I panic a bit right before I have to pronounce Worcestershire sauce

@HiddenPinky

[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*

@Social_Mime

Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes