Interviewer: may we contact your previous employers?
[cut to the giant grave in the desert where I buried them all]
Me: lol you could try
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
You Might Also Like
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
To be honest, I panic a bit right before I have to pronounce Worcestershire sauce
PSA: don’t write papers hammered and then turn them in like me🙃
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Middle of the night In bed:
Wife – Did you hear that?
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes