Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.

Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.

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I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.


i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand


4 is currently using scissors to whittle down a pencil.

This will be a valuable skill if she ever goes to prison and needs to make a shank.


Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do

[2 hrs later]

Neighbor: Is your wife home?

Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil


If it lasts 4 hours I’m not only callin a Dr, I’m callin everybody!!


A coworker sent me an instant message mistakenly typing “The cloak stopped working” to which I responded “OMG you can see me?!”


[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times